Swinging
It began the way a lot kinks do, 12 years old and by way of a 2am SBS documentary. My pubescent eyes wide, glued to the screen. Naked people everywhere, some just hanging out, casual as ever, while others were getting absolutely railed beside them. What is this magic? What is this ‘swingers club’?
Fast forward, I’m a 19 year old in a long term relationship with a person who said it would be weird if we went on holiday together and all of my sexual questions and urges are suppressed and transformed into a neato little business idea. “I’m going to open a swingers club”. As I said, suppressed, so any sexual relevance to using the space was out the window, I was hyper focused on my number one fetish – renovations. I spent a lot of time looking at properties, assessing the spaces, thinking how I could transform them, what equipment I could have, what services the house would provide… the décor?! Omg. The dream lives on. I am opening a savings account dedicated to this right now.
*Clears throat* Like a lot of other things, that dream circled the drain (until now, Sex House With Jordan, cumming soon). Fast forward, again, to a couple of months ago, I’m a yet-to-attend-a-swingers-club-sexually-liberated-bitch looking for ideas for my blogs new segment Doing It with Jordan, when a friend texts me, “Hey if you are free this coming Saturday night there is this awesome private swingers party in Kurwongbah at what I can only describe as a purpose built swingers pad.”
An educational excuse to do something I have always wanted to do?!?!?!! YES, a thousand times yes. Plans laid, my brain flooded with a million and one questions. The website provided some information, but it also looked like the first myspace page I ever customised sooo… yeh.
Needing some guidance, I turned to the one who started it all. SBS. I was slightly disappointed I couldn’t find the same docco I watched as a 12 year old but of course they had another documentary on Swinging. I settled into bed with my laptop and watched SBS’s ‘Swingers’. I laughed, I cried and I made notes for this post but then reading back over them realised that unless you’re watching the movie and reading the notes at the same time, it’s just out of context commentary… which to be fair is 85% of everything that comes out of my mouth. Anyway, I highly recommend - however I will put trigger warnings on it for rape, feelings of rejection, body image issues and bullying. Just some small “titbits” but they are in there nonetheless.
Really, the film provided no answers except, don’t go in with expectations. So that’s what I did.
The Swingers Party
Pulling into the impossibly dark driveway, “the one with the cattle grate” as the invitation had instructed, I became hyper aware of the fact that I was dressed to the dress code “sexy”, in the middle of the bush, in the middle of the night, by myself, for a “sex party”, at a male strangers house… literally everything in my life has prepared me to avoid this exact situation… yet here I was.. flicking on my high beams.. and turning my car headlights on to that really bright setting…
When I entered the house I was greeted by happy patrons, some naked, some dressed, all relaxed, and a big stupid smile spread across my face. I had no intentions or expectations, but I felt the purest happiness being in a space where people felt so free.
We were given name badges as the owner called out that he would be leading a tour. Me, the kiss-ass Virgo, loves to be up a tour guides asshole so I promptly made my way to the front of the group. A precarious position because as we all know, there will come a point in the tour when the guide tells you to enter a room while they wait at the door, so you’re first in but then suddenly at the back of the pack.
Our tour started in the bar area and took us through a variety of playrooms including a mirrored room, glory hole facility and a dungeon (complete with a jail and spinning human dart wheel). At the entrance to each room our guide stressed the importance of open and closed doors and “the yellow chain”. If the door is closed and the chain is up – it’s a no go zone. If the chain is up and the door is open, you can look but you can’t touch. If it is all open, you may enquire about participation.
We were shown the spa, pool, massage tables, stripper pole, bathroom and amenities, given housekeeping rules like “if you’re a squirter, put a towel down” and practical information like where we could find the coffee, tea and milo. Nothing like a malted milk after a good ramming.
Lastly, we arrive where we understand the main playroom to be, the guide opened the doors and motioned for me to enter. My position at the front of the group compromised, I scan the room, a tv playing porn hung in the corner and about 6 big beds lined the walls, on them we’re about 11-13 people, mostly couples but some group activity was taking place. Then I make eye contact with a clothed man, standing alone in the back corner, where I was now headed.
“Your first time?”
“Yeh” I smiled.
I wasn’t uncomfortable, I was just trying to get used to the smell (11 – 13 peoples body fluids? yeh not something I’d thought about up until this point), while straining to hear the guide over the grunting. Not that it really mattered, at this point he just told some kinda gross stories and showed us a wall of pussies, and when someone asked, he gave the criteria to get on said wall of pussies. He then reminded us of the rules around condom use and wished us a fun evening.
My friends and I went back to the dungeon and since there was no scene taking place we hung out and chatted in there for a bit. While one of our group tried to convince anyone to get strapped in to the human dart wheel, I eyed their BDSM goods to see if they had any Love In Leather (my family business) products. They did. Of course they did, we’re awesome.
We wandered around, mingled with other guests, hung out in the mirrored room (where we had to avoid a wet patch on the bed) and we inspected the glory hole room. I wanted to see what knee padding they had in there and I am also super fascinated by how someone determines the appropriate height for the hole like, who makes that call?
Before I knew it, the night was over and I was driving back over the cattle grate and on my way home. All in all, I had a fun night and really this post is just a love letter to my 12 & 19 year old self. To her I say, Babe, I know you’re confused and horny but don’t worry, one day you’ll be sexually liberated and turn THAT into a neato business.
You may have been waiting for that to turn into a debaucherous (is debaucherous a word?, it should be) story about how it was a complete free for all orgy, but the truth is, it was just kind of like a house party where there were a bunch of naked people and some of them were fucking. It all felt very normal and natural. If you are wondering did I play? None of your beeswax babe.
