My Spank Bank
I haven’t posted in ages, I got a lot of stuff happening but still, I feel bad because my poor baby blog has fallen to the wayside. Then masturbation month started, “GREAT! I will just post a fluff piece about masturbating. I usually need a plan, I need to set myself some structure but I could talk about wanking until the cows come home!!”
I sat down and started to write about my spank bank and the auditory phase I went through, but then 150 words later I realised I had just been rambling about my misophonia and it made me sound like an absolute nightmare. And I mean, I am indeed a nightmare, but I feel like knowing that is something you need to earn, not just read about on my blog. So I backspaced the whole thing. Then I started writing about how I had an ice pack pressed into my fanny because I had a stress yeast infection… Stress and also I may or may not have eaten a loaf of white bread. My aunties fault. She knows I have 0 self control around a fresh loaf.
Also unacceptable. ok ok ok ok ok what am I doing…? I need some framework, without framework I WILL write 600 words on my bakery addition and the effects that yeasty yeasty goodness has on my body. A listicle! I will write a listicle. 7 things. Because there are 7 days of the week, and I love to wank on all of ‘em. So without further ado…
Things I wank to (unintentional rhyme)
1. Bread
Just kidding.
2. David Bowie
You know when you hear a song and it’s just like …so sexy… I went through a phase where I only wanked while listening to Bowie.. I feel like this is where my misophonia comes into play. I have extreme physiological responses to sound, usually negative but sometimes… horny. Bowie’s voice is just so sexy. Another one is Girl by the Beatles…. The way John Lennon sucks in air before he exhales “giiiiiiiirrrrllll”… god damn. (He actually specifically wanted it to be heard like that and this all really annoys me because I very much dislike John Lennon.) Back to the true king, Mr Bowie. Yes, for a couple of months I didn’t watch porn or use my brain, I just put on a Bowie playlist. Magic. Now don’t think every time I listen to, look at or think about Bowie I am getting a wide on, just like anything else, it’s all context. However, I do find it very hard to watch Labyrinth. I know he is “the villain” but like…. Fuck saving the baby, I’d be marrying the goblin king.
3. A person in my dream
There is a dude that has been popping in and out of my dreams for years. He is one of those figures that if you try to focus on what they look like, it’s just a black kind of shape, but you somehow know exactly who that person is. I don’t think I have ever had an explicit sex dream about him, but he is always my lover and I get this guttural feeling of love and happiness. Anyway, I’ve wanked thinking about him a bunch of times.
4. Kissing
I mean I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I’ve jerked it thinking about a past sexual encounter, but on more than 5 occasions I’ve done it thinking about past make out sessions.. I love kissing! C’mon! Who doesn’t love an amazing kiss?! Ugh something about the intimate act of kissing, clothed or naked, public or private, whether it leads to something or not, it’s just so… *full body chills*
5. Other past experiences / memories
Number 5 was initially going to be mutual masturbation and then I was like, well I’ve jilled over other memories and I can’t separate them all, if I did it would just be a highlights reel of my sexual history. So now it is just memories, and I know it’s kind of a cop out to keep it separate from #4 kissing, but I actually don’t fucking care. Yes, I have so many memories I use as “inspiration” but I would like to specifically shout out one of my favourite sex acts, mutual masturbation. I love, LOVE MM. I just opened a new word doc, that’s how much I love it.
The man I love in my dreams, kissing & mutual masturbation… realising now maybe I might just be turned on by intimacy and that makes me feel and sound very, very, sad.
6. Did you guys think this was going to be a countdown of my favourite porn categories?
Or like some sexy article that would low key turn you on but then I started talking about how my vulva is basically turns into Homer Simpson’s eyes after laser anytime I look at a loaf of bread? I obviously love porn, and I watch a lot of it. Once I was watching one of my favourite flix and I was nearing climax and I closed my eyes and all of a sudden started thinking about some paperwork I had to do. But my body was like “I’m ready!” and my brain was like “facts and figures” and my soul that had left my body and was watching what was happening was like “wot” and then I came thinking about paperwork.
7. Calligraphers (font designers & hand lettering extraordinaries)
You know I love fonts. You’ve read about the sex noises I make when browsing type faces on the internet, so does it really come as a surprise that I fap over calligraphers? A long while ago now, I went to a design conference called Semi Permanent where Seb Lester did a presentation… ooh baby.. a year later I had to remove myself from his Instagram because every time I drank I would slither into his DMs. I guess it’s like how people want to fuck musicians, I want to fuck calligraphers. Which reminds me, you should follow Mark, the man who printed my new stickers, his sticker biz is Die Last Print co. and his design page is Iron Hides.
8. Owen Grey
Because bread was obviously a joke, I thought I’d give you another. YES my beloved Owen. If you follow me on my personal Instagram you would already know how much I love him BUT I thought I’d throw in a little twist. I previously mentioned my misophonia and how some sounds turn me on… Owen Grey does this little laugh like when he’s making sex noises.. and omg… My vulva is blushing right now.
Happy Masturbation Month!!!
This note was written on my final edit of this post, I just wanted to make you aware of the fact that I just deleted about 50 words of Miley Cyrus 7 things I hate about you jokes from where it says “without further ado”. Would it have made the post better or worse? All I know is I can’t stop quoting the Hannah Montana movie in my head. Smileh Mileh… Owh Ma Gawd Bluaeee Jaayyyynns!! And also it is so unrealistic that that WHOLE town AND the reporter are like “we will keep your secret!” as if. Ok I am gunna go and NOT eat some bread and watch the Hannah Montana movie.
