How I Lost My Virginity & Met My True Love, Lube
The bees!
I was 18 years old and finally had my first real boyfriend. We had been dating for a couple of weeks and he made me feel giddy. It was a warm night but he held me close as we kissed. Quietly, he asked me if I wanted to “do it”. My stomach dropped, I wanted to, but I was so nervous, after a short pause, filled with anticipation and butterflies, I whispered “I’m a virgin”. “I know” he whispered back. “How?” I asked, at a slightly higher volume, taken aback. “Gwendoline” he responded. One of our mutual friends. ‘Fucking Gwendoline’ I thought to myself. “Oh” I chuckled nervously, I hadn’t been guarding my virginity, but I hadn’t been willing to lose it to any of the meat heads I had previously had the opportunity with. But as I laid there in the strong arms of my tall, dark and handsome boyfriend, my first love, I knew it was time. “Yes” I whispered into a kiss, “I do”. After securing a condom he gently rested between my thighs and lowered his body onto mine. “Are you ready?” he kissed me. “Yes” I kissed him back. He moved his hand from my cheek to his groin. Searing pain ripped through me and a squeal escaped my lips. He immediately retreated. Without another word, he laid down beside me and held me tight. He kissed my cheek and forehead as I breathed through the residual burning and we fell asleep.
Lube is, in my opinion, is the most under-rated adult product. It can completely change the game. When I first started having sex, I didn’t really enjoy it. Like it was fun, but I was just like… yeh… it hurts though.. One day I was in the car with my sister and I thought I’d ask her for some wise old sage advice. “Try using lube” she said, driving erratically through a roundabout (not pertinent to the story, I just remember it and she was a crazy driver). I was indignant. What was she saying? I’m some kind of dried up old prune of a lady? Or worse, my sexy as fuck boyfriend didn’t turn me on?! Lube, I thought, is not the answer, I just need time to adjust to my boyfriend’s monster penis (I mentioned the roundabout but not the size of my bf’s schlong which is actually kind of relevant?).
As a Virgo I am only willing to admit I was half wrong. I was suffering the side effects of my Depo Provera shots. My estrogen was so low the doctor had to make calls to check my paperwork hadn’t been mixed up with a males. My walls were so thin and dry, she said I had the vaginal canal of a woman going through menopause. She gave me a prescription for a potent progesterone cream and sent me on my way. I am happy to report, I soon changed doctors. My new doctor (my current GP) changed my life. She worked to get my hormones balanced and I thought it was the answer to my prayers, “finally! I will be able to get dicked down without my pussy tearing!”.
But mine was blue.
Wrongo. My vagina was healthier and not so prone to tears but at times, sex could still be uncomfortable. Sometimes I was wet, sometimes I wasn’t, but his penis was so large that it made it difficult no matter what. By this time, I was officially working in the adult industry, and the topic of sex was not a big deal but approaching and asking a work colleague / family friend about lube, I felt ridiculous. Aunty Jodes, as she is referred to in our house, is the woman who opened my eyes to the normality of sex. She also gave me my first vibrator, it was a jelly rabbit with rotating pearl beads in the shaft and it took approx. 35 AA batteries. I digress, she told me something that blew my mind. “Sometimes, you just don’t get wet. It isn’t a reflection of how you’re feeling, even if you’re aroused you mightn’t get wet. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone should use lube, regardless of age.”
This was my second time hearing, but first time having it explained, what I now understand to be, arousal non-concordance. I fucking love telling people about AN-C. I want it tattooed on my forehead. I want it engraved on my tombstone. Arousal non-concordance is when your body and brain aren’t on the same wavelength. You might be DTF but your vagina is like “nah fam”. You could be at work doing data entry, GUSHING wet and you’re like *talking to your vagina* “what the hell, man? Get a grip”. It is when your *holding up a finger like a smart person, while pushing my glasses back up my nose with my other hand* physiological response is not a reflection of your internal experience.
*Trigger Warning: Rape & sexual assault.
The most absolutely heartbreaking example of AN-C is when people have experienced orgasm while being sexually assaulted. It is imperative to understand, the bodies response is not consent. The first time I heard about AN-C was of course in an episode of ‘Law & Order: SVU’.*
Arousal non-concordance is so common that in one experiment, showing sexual stimuli to men and women while monitoring their genitals and brain waves, It showed that only 50% of men had cross-over or were “aligned” ie, they were mentally and physiologically aroused at the same time, but the women, can you guess what the percentage of woman was?
T – E – N. 10fucking%.
~ this is where I bitch about men for a little bit ~
Honestly if it effects 50% of men, you’d think we’d have heard about it. Because if it’s their problem it’s everyone’s problem, amiright?! and if it puts a name to/gives an excuse to one of them not being able to get hard? But that also means they would have to talk about it, and this is my impression of that.
Two men who both suffer from arousal non-concordance walk into a bar.
“hey, Jeff, I ah, can I ask you something personal?”
“of course Matthew, you can ask me anything”
“Well, sometimes I am really turned on but, I just can’t get hard.. do you ever have erectile issues?”
“pfft, what?! No! what are you saying? Bro, dude, bro. no.”
“pffft yeh me neither bro. lol.”
“lol bro you had me going there bro.”
They both fall into an uncomfortable silence and ponder how unhappy they truly are in their fragile existence.
~ bitch over ~
10%!!! That is nothing!!! It is SO NORMAL. So, I did it, I followed Aunty Jodes advice (ignoring the fact my sister had told me to do the same thing a year earlier) and I bought a bottle of lube. Just a cheap, water-based bottle and friends, this, is when the game changed for me. Lube made sex so good, so, so, good. We had some amazing sex, his giant penis and I. ~ ok, I genuinely just stared out my window for a whole minute thinking about it, pull yourself together Jordan. ~
As I spent more times in adult stores (a part of my 9-5 job), I was intrigued by the different types of lubricants available. My cheap bottle of water-based lube was the first in my collection of tubs, tubes, tinctures and .. pumpy bottles. If you haven’t already realised, I have a sensitive vagina, so lube is something that is important to my sexual health. It is a miracle liquid sent from the heavens. I use it when I masturbate, LOVE it during foreplay and have 100% taken it with me to one-night stands. Even when I “don’t need it”, I use it because it makes everything better. SO FUN. If you’d like to learn about the different types of lube and possibly what will suit you best, click here!
What am I using now?
These are the lubricants currently on my love list.
Wildfire Pleasure Oil – EDIT* Leeanne sold Wildfire* As mentioned above, this is the oil I like to use when I have a partner and we bone down unprotected (again, not encouraging unprotected sex). It was created by family friend and naturopath, Leeane Ivory. Her email had “Principal of passion” as her signature which I fucking loved so I put “Princess of perspiration” as mine. Now I am single as a dingle, I mostly use my wildfire on my eczema and dry skin and in the bath, on the rare occasion I indulge. As it can’t be used with silicone toys, I don’t use it too often to masturbate, I’m not big into manual labour.
Intimate Earth Defence Glide – Water based, vegan, glycerin and paraben free.. this lube is my favourite, everyday lube. It has natural antibacterial agents and is pH balanced. This is my all time favourite staple.
Sensuva Ultra-Thick Water – glycerin and paraben free, pH balanced. Really thick almost feels like a hybrid and doesn’t leave a residue on your skin.
Sutil Luxe Body Glide – water based, glycerin and paraben free, pH balanced. Luuuuuuxxeeeeee. It’s luxurious and its tube is biodegradable.
From my sensitive vagina to yours - slip, slop, slap.
DISCLAIMER
Do not make any medical decisions based on my experience. Lube doesn’t fix all problems, If you are having painful sex, have frequent UTI’s or infections, talk to your GP!
If you have experienced sexual assault and need support;
1800 RESPECT Confidential sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling via phone and webchat. Available 24/7. 1800 737 732.
Blue Knot Foundation Phone and email based support for adult survivors of childhood trauma. Available 9am-5pm, 7 days a wee. 1300 657 380.
Or go to https://au.reachout.com/articles/sexual-assault-support for state based services.
