8 Terrible Pieces Of Advice
I come across bad advice and / or false information all the time. I’m always happy to set the record straight but sometimes the fact that the false info is even out there makes me feel deflated and annoyed. BUT.. every now and again I come across a nugget of gold. Please enjoy the following nuggets that well and truly made me chuckle.
1. “If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you’ve blown it.” – Mens Health
This, but in public.
What frigen planet are you from, mens health, that you think this is a good idea?
2. “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.” – Cosmo
Can you imagine being in the throes of passion, then all of a sudden saying “WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT…. let me get the pepper”
3. “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body – his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.” – Cosmo
I love this only because when my cousins and I were young we were obsessed with massaging each other. I was a fucking genius and used my McDonalds 101 Dalmatians Happy Meal toy (the Glenn Close masterpiece, live action 101 Dalmatians had just been released) to massage Moog (cousin). She thought it was ridiculous then and she thinks it’s ridiculous now. Well Morgan (moog, cousin), at 5 I had the ingenuity of a Cosmo writer so STFU.
4. “If you’re a guy, pee inside the girl after you finish, but before you pull out so you don’t have to use a condom. The ammonia in your urine will neutralise the sperm.” - reddit… of course
Urine is not a spermicide. No.
5. “Scatter marbles all over the bed for a cool sensation”
This legitimately made me laugh so hard out loud. Probably something I would have done for Morgan though.
6. “Put on a British accent”
I tried out for the school musical once, they were doing My Fair Lady… I didn’t get in…
How fucking insane you would look if you were fucking your partner and then all of a sudden go “ ‘ows that feel?” in like a crazy thick cockney accent.
7. “Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower – wet skin is more sensitive.” – nerve.com
How your partner would forever be coming out of the shower.
The word ‘swat’ and also waiting until they are at their most vulnerable, coming out of the shower, nude, wet, probably relaxed to SWAT them on the thighs.
8. “Give him a beer facial – the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips cant resist his delicious, beer flavoured face” – Cosmo
Sounds sticky but my real issue is with the like “tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious beer flavoured face”. Firstly, why do you need to tell him anything? If he is that fragile that he can’t have a facial, dump him. Secondly, egg is also an ingrediant. I think the more appropriate line is “tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious egg and yeast flavoured face.”
Ok so so far we’ve licked their palm in public while, I’m assuming, making intense eye contact, stabbed them with a fork, tossed marbles into the bed, thrown beer and pepper into their face, asked them to piss in you in a British accent and ambushed them outside the shower with a hair brush… that is actually exactly why my ex dumped me.
But now I am single, I can focus all of my attention on you, Morgan.
