THIS ARTICLE IS NSFW.

I saw Poppy Sanchez’s Tease Cake when it came out in 2019. I remember thinking, soft light, a pastel palette, four beautiful women and a table of desserts, fruits, and champagne, is this going to be the Sofia-Coppola-sapphic-group-sex porn of my dreams?

Cut to 2022, I was reading about sploshing, a fetish for being covered in copious amounts of substances or foodstuffs, when suddenly it clicked. The dialogue that lived rent free in my head, I could hear it as clear as day any time I made tinned spaghetti… “I’ve always wanted to be in a swimming pool FULL of noodles”. I immediately opened YouTube and searched ‘Patch Adams Pool Of Noodles’. It wasn’t until much, much later that I remembered Tease Cake.

SIDE NOTE - A lot of articles (written by people outside of the community) site sploshing as a sub-genre of wet and messy but the more time I spent on r/wetandmessy and finding sources in the community, I’ve concluded that sploshing is just another name for wet and messy. Might not seem important but I just wanted to mention it. I will be bouncing back and forth from calling it sploshing and using the abbreviation W.A.M..

Wet and messy fetishism – an umbrella term that hosts so many sub genres there was no way I could reduce the whole wonderful world of W.A.M. to just one activity... so I reduced it to three. Picking them was easy, preparing for their execution was not. Even after spending a whole month researching and planning – mistakes were made.

CAKE
Last year I made a video for my friend’s birthday that involved boobs and cake. It was never my intention to get anyone horny, but I became hypnotised by how hot I looked covered in icing and how good it felt on my skin. While I could technically expand on that experience alone, I would be remiss if I didn’t cover cake sitting. One of the most popular WAM activities, cake sitting is exactly what it sounds like, sitting on a cake.

I tried to figure out the most sanitary way to execute the sit so I, 1, didn’t get a yeast infection and 2, didn’t contaminate the cake with my asshole, because no doubt I would want to eat it afterwards. But I came up short. Ultimately, I decided to go all in, as it were.

For the cake itself, I really didn’t want to bake something that was just going to be destroyed but then I saw 99c cake mix at Aldi and you just can’t argue with a bargain like that. For the icing I wanted to keep it simple but still have something visually “full” or “fluffy”, so I went with cream. (mistake).

PIE
Out of everything I researched for this article, people being pied yielded the most results. A staple in slapstick comedy turned activist stunt, I have sunk hours into movie and news archives, listicles and Wikipedia entries and even spent a solid 20 minutes fact checking Guinness Book of Records, because you know, they are notorious for not doing their due diligence. I laughed , I cried, I fist pumped a couple of times and at one point I got genuinely furious .

Already committing to baking a cake there was no way I was going to use a real pie. ‘An alfoil pie tin and one of those cans of whipped cream would suffice’ I thought. Do you think I could find alfoil pie tins anywhere? Do you know much cans of whipped cream cost? I pleated and taped up the edge of a paper plate to make it deeper and bought the cheapest can of shaving foam Coles had to offer. (mistake).

SLIME
At one stage Ghostbusters was one of my favourite movies and I felt like I had a weird spiritual connection to Slimer, but even with that deep-seated love, if you say slime, I say nick   n-nick-nick   n-nick-nick-nick   nick-el-o-de-on.

Again, I didn’t want to fork out for something I was pretty sure I could make myself. And after hours of looking at slime recipes on the internet, I decided just to wing it with cornflour and water. (surprisingly, not a mistake).

Doing It

After months of preparation, the time had come. With the tripods set up, cake decorated and strategically placed, and a bum hole I can only describe as ‘food safe’, there was nothing left to do but sit.

Mostly what I felt was the cream. In particular, it being forced to find an escape route. And after I stood up, I could feel it immediately start to melt and drip down my thighs. As fun or as funny as it was, it was not what I expected, and I realised where I went wrong when I inspected the cake afterwards. Sure, the cream was in a hilarious mould of my butt crack but the cake itself was pretty much still in perfect shape. It was too dense to crumble, and I had basically just sat on a weird edible foam cushion covered in cream.

Still trying to wipe the dairy-slick feeling from my bum, I moved my tripods into the bathroom and positioned myself in the shower. I had no hesitations when it came to being pied, until I started filling my “pie plates” with, and I quote myself here, the “cheapest can of shaving foam Coles had to offer”. I was so worried about getting a yeast infection from cake sitting, I didn’t even consider the foam might be lynx-chemical-fire flavoured and what that would do to my extremely sensitive (face) skin. While I could practically hear my eczema calling me a dumb bitch, I lifted the pie to my face with as much force as I could muster.

As part of my research, I read an article by Corey Levitan where he interviews and gets pied by fetish porn star Olivia Rose. He describes how he’s standing in a room in his underwear with two fully dressed women, one is filming and the other is laughing as she repeatedly hits him in the face with pies. I am not big into humiliation but sitting alone on the floor of my shower, thinking about his experience, I was jealous. “That’s the way you gotta do it” I thought because pieing myself was just… lacklustre.

 Once I was satisfied with the pie content, I covered myself in foam. Not for you, not because I was high on fumes… but for me.

 - THE NEXT DAY -

I was so ready to deliver an official STWJ slime recipe, but as I am constantly slipping in and out of ADHD-side-adventure-black-outs, all I can say is I started with 4 teaspoons of cornflour and 1 cup of water and ended with up about 2.5 litres of a substance that looked like semen. So do with that what you will.

Hesitant to add food colouring for fear of looking like Paul Giamatti in Big Fat Liar, I transferred it to a clear bucket, covered it in glad wrap and put it in the refrigerator (mistake). Approximately 3 days later, sick of the tripods in my bathroom and the bucket of cum in my fridge I decided I had to get it done. Research suggested poster paint, but that was fruitless, I was left with no choice but to crack out the box of Queen Rainbow.

7am on a Thursday, sitting in the shower, I lifted the bucket over my head. My memory of what followed is hazy, a side effect of hypothermia, probably. Unlike the cream, the slime did not warm and melt from my body heat so as soon as the initial shock wore off and I could move, I made a Shrek joke and rinsed off.

WHERE I STAND (OR SIT) ON SPLOSHING

Would I try cake sitting again? If it was for a partner, for some kind of group play (sexual or not) or if someone wanted to pay me for cake sitting pics/vids – yes! There are things I would do differently, but it was fun and playful, and I’d be happy to do it again.

Would I be pied again? I wouldn’t seek it out, but I would do it again if it was for an event or good cause or something. Or like… if someone asked me if I wanted to go into business selling videos of me being pied – sure. Would I pie someone else? Yes.

Would I be slimed again? If it was room temperature slime – again I wouldn’t seek it out but I would do it for/with a partner or in some kind of group play, or if it was for an event or good cause or, of course, if someone wanted to pay.

I think one of the main takeaways is that I will do things for money. Please pay me.

In conclusion
I’ve always enjoyed wet and slippery play with my partners, but this experience has made me realise that most of the times that has happened it has been a happy accident, too much massage oil or a shower that got out of hand. Playing with the foam after I pied myself made me happy, it was silly and fun and I was grounded and engaged with my body. While I wasn’t aroused, it made me realise wet and messy play is something I’d like to explore more intentionally with a partner.  

Trying WAM at home
For this piece I chose some of the more “unconventional” forms of wet and messy play but WAM isn’t limited to “extreme sports only” – think the pottery scene from Ghost or food scene from 9 ½ Weeks… or if you do want extreme sports, watch my fave, the paintball scene from 10 Things I Hate About You. Don’t be intimidated, do what feels good for you, and remember to have fun!

P.S. I am happy to report I had no adverse effects from any of the experiments. No thrush, rashes, eczema, or stained skin. Marty Wolf lives another day.