I would like to acknowledge that not all men have penises and not all penis owners are men.

Today were talkin’ about dicks, and no I don’t mean Stephen Bradbury... I mean I covered vulva basics, now it’s time for the peeney.

The thing about the body is, we all have the same bits, they just mighty morph differently when we’re fetuses and therefore are arranged differently when we’re born. THEN, based on this arrangement, the patriarchy decides what “gender” we are. boooo.

Knowing this, I still sometimes like to think of the penis as an outie vagina. It’s not not true* but it’s one helluva way to get a guy to stop talking to you on tinder.

*It really isn’t true. But me telling a guy on tinder and him cutting off communication is 100% true.

What you can see

The scrotum – The scrotum, or ball sack, is not a part of the penis, it is the sack that sits behind the penis and houses the testicles.

OMG I have the FUNNEST ball sack fun fact. SO! The testicles are on the outside of the body to keep sperm production at room temp because the body is too hot for them. So, if you’re cold, your scrote pulls your testes closer to your body for warmth, if you’re hot, stand in front of a mirror and see if they are lower than usual. OH and! The left teste usually hangs lower, so they sit more comfortably. So fun.

Moving on…

The penis – Penis is the name of the whole thing, unlike the vagina, which is a passage in the pussy but takes credit for the whole kit and caboodle.

The shaft – The section of penis from the base to the bottom of the head.

The frenulum – The banjo string (obsessed with this term). You know that seam on the underside of the penis where the shaft and the head meet? Yeh, that’s the frenno. Run your tongue up your two front teeth to where the gum becomes the lip... can you feel that string? Yeh, that’s also a frenno. Can you imagine snapping that? F.u.c.k. If you have a weak stomach for blood, like I do, DON’T google “snapped penis frenulum” ... like I did.

The corona – The lip of the tip! If you’re thinking that that is a pretty unfortunate name in 2020, let me give you a ‘lil lesson in Latin. The Latin word for crown is corona, the group of viruses that make up the coronavirus have “crown-like” thorns on their surface, so that’s where that comes from. Then, I guess, back in the day the dudes labelling the dick had some kind of god/royalty complex (what a surprise) and decided they had crowns on their cocks. If you ask me, it looks more like a cliffs edge, but I am fine with the re-brand of the word corona because dicks make me SICK! Just kidding, I love them…

The glans – The head, the knob, or my personal favourite – bellend. The glans has 4,000 nerve endings which it’s like… if the clitoris was Cathy Freeman, the glans would be Stephen Bradbury, like he got into the Olympics, but should have bragging rights?  

The urethral meatus - … I’m sorry maybe you didn’t read that correctly… THE URETHRAL MEATUS. I cannot even explain to you my face the first time I read those words. The meatus is just the name for the external urethral opening but why would I say external urethral opening when I could say urethral meatus?

The prepuce – Foreskin. In my opinion, if it’s not for religious or medical reasons, leave it alone. And if you’re going to argue for cleanliness or aesthetics, you’re a psychopath, don’t @ me. That being said, I very much love and adore both cut and uncut. Hate the sin, love the sinner.

Anus – The booty hole. There are 4000 nerve endings in the sphincter, that’s the same as the head of the penis.

What you can’t see

Testicles – aka the balls, 2 glands inside the scrotum, they make sperm and hormones like testosterone.

Epididymis – Holds the sperm and connects the testicle to the vas deferens.

Vas Deferens – Tubies that carry the sperm from the epididymis to the seminal vesicles.

The accessory glands & seminal vesicles – I am perhaps doing an dis-service grouping these together, considering I am trying to teach people about their bodies but honestly, I don’t want to write 3000 words on the journey of sperm and semen so… again, don’t @ me. The cowper’s gland (or bulbourethral gland) and the prostate are the “accessory glands” and with the seminal vesicles, they each provide some kind of good good to make up semen, getting the sperm where it needs to go and ensuring it does its job once it gets there.

The rectum – The canal for solid waste... or the home of the p-spot?

A very brief note on sperm v semen:
Semen and sperm are not the same thing. Semen contains sperm but it is the sperm component that fertalizes the eggs.

A very brief note on the prostate:
The prostate is also known as the P-spot or the male G-spot. The prostate is a muscular gland that can be quite sensitive and pleasurable to touch. It can be stimulated from outside, around the perineum, and from the inside of the rectum.

A very brief note on shape and size:
SHAPE AND SIZE ARE NOT IMPORTANT! It’s the motion of the ocean etc etc. I have had experiences with penises of all shapes and sizes. Big, small, average, really small, REALLY bent, thin, fat, you get the point, it’s how it’s used that matters.   

p.s. I just asked my mum if I was born with a penis would she have had me circumcised and without hesitation she said yes.. proving my point.. psychopath…

ALL BODIES ARE DIFFERENT. ALL BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL. END BODY SHAMING.