It never ceases to amaze me, the amount of people who have never had a proper look at their genitals… like aren’t you curious? From a medical / health / educational point of view, I think everyone should look at and know their body, finding your pleasure points is just a bonus. If you’ve never looked at your vag, spread eagle in the mirror before, grab a mirror, nud up and settle in. Non-vulva havers – don’t go anywhere, there are diagrams and you should know this stuff too, because knowledge and science.

Welcome! Let me introduce you to the vulva.

Prepare yourself for some medical terminology like ‘poo chute’.

What you can see

Mons pubis – Usually referred to as a mound (*or a meaty wee wee in my house), the mons pubis is the lump of fatty tissue that you see when you look down or in the mirror at yourself front on. This is where the majority of pubic hair grows.

*I remember I was going out and mum told me my outfit was too tight because you could see my mound… I was like yeh and? – hence meaty wee wee… because I have a meaty wee wee.

Vulva – The proper name for the outer genitals. Not the vagina. The vulva. Again, not the vagina, the vulva. I have a book about vulvas, but it’s called ‘vagina’, and that kind of stresses me out.

Labia – We have two sets of labia, but I briefly wanted to say this… THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A “NORMAL LABIA”! Innies, outies, lopsided, fat, whatever! All labia are unique, all are normal, all are wonderful.

Labia majora – Usually called flaps or lips, which I just cannot handle. Why do the nicknames for “male” genitals make us laugh and the nicknames for “female” genitals make us uncomfortable? The patriarchy, obviously. Still I think the labia majora deserves a better nickname than lips or flaps. I digress. Those beautiful meaty lips are the velvet curtain to all things pussy magic.

Labia minora – The labia minora are the inner, moist, delicate folds. So moist. So delicate. It sits inside the majora and comes up to create the fold or hood over the clitoris.

Clitoris – The pleasure button. Above the urethra and tucked into the labia minora, the clit has 8000 nerve endings and no other function except pleasure. Um fuck yes. If I could high five my clit, I would.

Urethra – wee hole. Just to clarify, there are three holes down there... urine does not pass through the vaginal canal.

Vagina – The hole we all know and love. The vaginal canal is the epitome of multipurpose. It’s used to give birth, expel menstrual fluids and of course, penetration. The big 3.  

Anus – The booty hole. There are 4000 nerve endings in the sphincter, that’s the same as the head of the penis.

What you can’t see 

Clitoris – Think of the clit as an iceberg, only the tip is visible, the majority of it is under the surface. Well with the clit, we can only see the glans, on the inside, there is the clitoral body which splits into the crus or crura of the clitoris and two big ole juicy vestibular bulbs, these run down either side of the urethra and vaginal canal, so yeh the clitoris can be stimulated from vaginal penetration and labial massage AND the “feet” of the clitoris can even be tickled from anal penetration. Honestly, the clit is the gift that keeps on giving.

The G-spot – damn, where do I start. Ook so the G spot is almost mis-labelled because it isn’t exactly a “spot”, it’s an area of tissue, and this area of tissue isn’t in the same spot for everyone. All bodies are different but I imagine the g-spot being like “Oh wait so I get to choose where I go?”. Insert a finger into the vagina and press up against the vaginal wall TOWARDS the mons pubis. Feel out for a “walnut” texture. Most “how tos” say to insert your finger an inch or two (2.5-5cm) but I say start right off the gate. That’s what I did.

Cervix – The gateway to baby town, this donut made of tissue sits between the vaginal canal and uterus. Even just the word cervix is triggering for me so, I’m sorry, but for now I am going to skip talking about cervical orgasms because I can’t think about a cervix without smelling burning flesh.

Fallopian tubes – Passages that carry ovum from the ovaries to the uterus.

Ovaries – Glands that contain ova and also produce oestrogen and progesterone.

Rectum – Poo chute, or, if I gotta be professional about it, the canal in which solid waste travels.

So there you have it, a run down on the bits and pieces that make up the “female” anatomy. What did we learn today? Vulvas have a bucket load of nerve endings and the clit is a magic mountain with diamond mines underground.

A little note on body image issues:
Trust me when I say, I know how hard and painful the seemingly simple task of looking at your body in the mirror can be. One thing that helped me though, looking at it from someone else’s perspective, treat myself how I would treat my friend. I hate my stomach; ok you hate your stomach but if it was on your friend you would say it’s cute. If you can’t even look at it from that perspective, try a completely biological approach. Well, my arms and hands enable me to do things, my legs get me places I need to go. My mouth lets me eat food, which gives my body sustenance. My body is an incredible machine. It might sound silly but… that’s what I’m offering.

ALL BODIES ARE DIFFERENT. ALL BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL. END BODY SHAMING.