Ruby Glow by Rocks Off

Opening sequence - You see a woman, though beautiful, her fly-aways and dark under eyes suggest an unfavourable mood. She sits glaring at her computer screen. The blinking insertion point on the blank word document is mocking her. She looks down to her note book, as if there would be something new since her latest staring contest with her cursor. Nothing. She lets out a deep, heavy, exasperated sigh. She had not cum that day.

~ 3 weeks earlier ~

How could I have ever been so intrigued with such ridiculous product photography?

Unless a toy has some new technology or an interesting design, I don’t get overly excited looking at vibrators, opposed to when I was younger and literally anything that vibrated would trigger the thought ‘how can I use that to masturbate?’. The number of toys I have borderline salivated over only to get home, charge, clean, whatever, then be SORELY disappointed with… it has left me jilted. BUT when I saw the Ruby Glow by Rocks Off, I got that tingling in my belly that I had all but forgotten about. It was the design... “this looks like a good grindin’ toy… this bitch loves to grind.” *Add to cart, checkout*.

I was excited… until it arrived… and I took it out of its box…

My dreams of the perfect grinding toy were dashed. I held up the brick with a thin silicone coating and thought to myself “this is going to be bad…”. And bad it was. So bad I resigned to basically copying out my notes verbatim… well… I added a little bit of padding because I do, after all, love to wax lyrical.

As always, with reviews, I made my pre-masturbation notes. Under the title First Impressions, I wrote ‘material is nice, firmer than what I thought it would be, I feel like grinding on this would… hurt?’. Bless my heart, I was still trying to be diplomatic, but deep down I knew… oh… I knew.

The first time I used it is a little bit of a blur, I must have blacked out from the pain (slight exaggeration), but it went something like this…

I got prepared and lowered myself onto the toy.

Holy shit. Breathe through it, bitch. Why are these buttons trying to make me feel like an idiot? Is it around the wrong way? It is STABBING my clit. * 60-second monologue as to why I hate shaped external toys (will talk about it later) * Re-focus Jordan. Breathe. What the fuck are these fucking Stegosaurus humps. Turn it around. That feels slightly less invasive. But now the buttons are at the back. Fuck you buttons. This thing is so goddamn loud. It is so hard, why is it so hard. This does not feel good. It feels like something is vibrating against my body and I am not aroused in the slightest.

After I felt like I had endured enough pain in the name of an “entertaining review”, I did a half ass job at packing up, got my maz notebook and an ice pack for my fanny and I went and laid on the couch. Under Experiences I wrote dot points of my ordeal. Under Overall Orgasm I wrote unsatisfied. I winced and readjusted the ice pack, taking a peak at my labia. I picked up my pen and next to the word unsatisfied I scribbled “bruised”.

I wanted to keep this short and sweet for two reasons. 1. Because I didn’t want to waste any more time on this product and 2. I didn’t want this to turn into a rambling manifesto of shower thoughts and disgruntled masturbation notes. Well, since I spent 45 minutes flipping off my computer, I am just going to have a real quick bitch to get it off my chest…

For the love of god, who made this product? I don’t know what I hate more, Tupperware parties, or this vibrator. I resent the fact that it is taking up space in my toy box. What makes it worthwhile? Not anything. What are its flaws? It is made out of a material harder than any other known to humankind. Which would be ok if it wasn’t a grinding toy. What’s the difference between rubbing your puss a concrete bollard or the ruby glow? Nothing, they are the same thing.

If you’re wondering why I am so ticked off by this toy, I briefly mentioned my inner monologue about shaped external toys, well here is a very condensed version. All bodies are different. All vulvas are different. So, a shaped toy made from tungsten, ie has no give to mould to a different body type, is going to work for a very small percentage of people.

So brief. So beautiful. But after all of this, huffing and puffing, assuring my vulv there was nothing wrong with her, it was the toy, I thought of something.

KINKS! Wonderful, beautiful kinks. Visions of people strapped to wooden horse / Spanish donkey type devices (A little hardcore, device BDSM porn? Don’t mind if I do…), OF COURSE!

I now see the Ruby Glow in a whole new light, it has just been marketed wrong. I genuinely think this would be a great product for people wanting to live out their device/torture fantasies. I promise you I am not being facetious.

If you’re interested, here is some more info;
The Ruby Glow is splashproof, meaning it’s not waterproof, meaning you need to be careful when you’re washing it.
It is battery operated, which has its pros and cons, I guess. I prefer rechargeable but I have had people comment that they prefer battery because they have snoopy kids and couldn’t have a vibrator plugged into a wall socket somewhere.
There are two buttons that navigate the 10 functions, to be honest, I still don’t know how to use them and I am so sorry but I am not going to try.
The vibration strength is good but it’s nothing compared to a wand.
The noise level... I initially made the note that this toy was loud, but later for further note taking, I turned it back on and it didn’t seem so bad. I took it out to the lounge room and asked my mum and sister if they could hear it, each about a meter and a half away from me, and they said no. But they are also hard of hearing… that or they purposely ignore me when I talk to them…
I’m not going to talk any more about the shape other than to address the “stegosaurus humps”. These are little ridges on the clitoral stimulator.

Proof that the Ruby Glow was designed around the Spanish Donkey and was marketed entirely wrong. I’m not going to pay for use of drawing, enjoy the watermark.

The final question, the big one, do I recommend?
Wow um… no? Unless you have a kink about grinding on hard things – which I have absolutely no problem with – then yes! I do however suggest that if you can, go to a store and see if you can feel it. Because yikes, it is one solid son of a bitch.