CW: The following positions were written as “him” and “her” and the illustrations are of a skinny, white hetero couple. I changed the colours of the people to make it less exclusionary.

I love listicles with sex positions… because they are either so basic “put a pillow under your butt!” or cirque du soleil level intense, like even if you manage to arrange your bodies in a position there isn’t much you can do from there. A while ago, I …stumbled… upon this website, sexualpositionsfree.com and fell in love with it. So today I am dropping some of my fave cRaZy moves.

I don’t think I am being naive in thinking that the following sex positions are a bit outlandish. Well, some of them are, some have made me question how I believe penises to work and others I just flat-out think they would require too much strength. Upper body and thigh power. I don’t have time for that. Think of every meme about not wanting to get on top. That is me.

I have marked the excerpts from the website with bolded italics and my response in regular text. Let’s get diggity down.

1.     Mermaid Sex Position

If you’re looking for a sex position that comes with bragging rights, then the mermaid sex position can definitely deliver. Mermaid sex is named for the incredible flexibility that needs to come with the female, as well as the core strength to stabilize the whole act. Here’s how to pull it off:

Him: This one is easy for you. Oh great that’s what men need, an easier time. All you do is lay down, completely flat with your legs straight out in front of you, while you get ready to stabilize the entirety of your woman’s weight above your groin. I bruised a lovers hip bones once, this is a nightmare to me.

Her: Get ready to pull out all the moves. Sit down on top of your man at his groin and slowly bend your torso, as well as your legs, into the air. Use your arms to stabilize your weight by grabbing the back of your knees, relying on your core to stay stable. Wiggle yourself into perfect cock placement. Wait, does it go in before or after you have your arms and legs in the air?

Why It Rocks: This is definitely a sex position that will spice things up for you and your lover. If you’re a woman with yoga, athletic, or flexibility experience, exercise extreme patience in getting this one right.

Ok so here’s the thing with this one, once you get on, how do you stimulate? Or is it just the sensation from wobbling to stabilise yourself, like you’re Meredith Blake and your air mattress was set adrift on a lake in the middle of the night, that makes it brag worthy?

2.     Golden Gate Sex Position

Not everyone can Golden Gate, which is why for the women who can, it’s a serious 69 feat they should brag about for the rest of their lives. Please don’t brag to me about your sex life.

Everyone loves a good 69. Fuckin oath. Dicks sucked, pussies eaten, and maximum pleasure at the same time. The Golden Gate Sex Position takes 69ing to a whole other level as the woman’s body essentially makes the top of a bridge with the man below her.

Him: This couldn’t be easier for you. Hard eye-roll. Simply lay there and get ready to embrace a wet and dripping pussy (graphic but also… noice) while your woman performs a seriously impressive acrobatic act above your face.

Her: If you have extreme flexibility and athletic dispositions, this 69 sex position is worth a try. Sit down on your partner’s face, facing forward, legs spread around his head. Bend backwards slowly to create an arch with your body until you are facing his erect penis. It’s time to get to work. Excuse me, I think getting into that position was work enough.

Why It Rocks: Not many people can pull off the Golden Gate Sex Position. It all comes down to the female’s flexibility. But, if you’re one of the lucky ones, it’s one of the most insane ways to 69. I feel like I have pulled a stomach muscle just thinking about it.

3.     Hand Stand Sex Position

The Hand Stand Sex Position is only for the flexible, agile, and daring women who are ready to get pegged Pegged?! I’m listening! standing on their hands. Not many people can pull off the Hand Stand Sex Position, which means if you want to give it a go, you’re one of the wild ones. Handstand sex is not easy or carefree, but, it’s totally worth it once in place.

Him: You get to stand up straight in this one, showing off your biceps while you support the entirety of your woman. Who are you showing off to? Please please let it be to yourself in the mirror! Or do you think that once you’re done you can be like “I am so strong, did you see my biceps?”, because your partner would be like “cunt, I was doing a HANDSTAND!”  Holding onto her thighs while she balances on her hands, provide the balance she needs to keep steady through the fucking.

Her: It’s up to you if this handstand fuck position is going to work or not. It’s up to the womxn, how original. Practice a few times without the fucking to get your balance, then ease onto your man, facing away from him, while he holds your legs. Find a good way to support your weight so you can remain calm through the wild and ravenous fucking. I do like the use of the word fuck in this paragraph.

Why It Rocks: If the woman is up for the challenge, this is one of those sex positions that comes with serious bragging rights. For the rest of this piece, I am going to ignore all of the points about bragging because that’s how little I care and how much I think you should brag about your sex life. Nada. This position confuses the fuck out of me because the dick would have to be bent back no? Or have dicks changed since I last saw one? I just haven’t had great feedback when I try to bend a dick as far as possible towards the butt.

4.     Waterfall Sex Position

Don’t go chasing waterfalls, except and unless it is the waterfall sex position—sorry TLC. But in all seriousness, sex does not have to be boring, sex is about connection and pleasure and FUN and should never ever be boring, regardless of what position you’re in, in saying that I love how bored the “man” in the drawing looks, and the waterfall position is anything but boring. You don’t have to have tremendous flexibility, but you should be able to touch your toes to do this move. If you’re thinking about doing the sex position ‘waterfall’ then consider our tips below.

Him: Get on your knees in front of your lady friend. Spread your hips. Wot? Grab her by the hips and pull her onto your member. Stay stable so she is safe during the act. Give her an O. This your job, so do it! Naww, sexual positions free working hard to close the orgasm gap.  

Her: Wrap your legs around your man’s body and then bend yourself backwards and stabilize yourself with your hands on the ground. Bend it all the way as far as you can go and let him do the rest. Yeh, just get yourself into a gymnastic bridge then relax.

Why It Rocks: The waterfall sex position is sure to please you both if you do it right. Put in the work and it will get you where you both want to go. I get light-headed really easily so the only place I would be going is to the hospital. Legitimately this has happened before.  

5.     Overpass Sex Position

Ever heard of the overpass sex position? You probably haven’t because it’s one of those almost impossible sex positions. And yet the word bragging is missing from the description… But if you have the time and the desire, this could be a rewarding position to learn how to do. The sex position called “overpass” is a great way to get your cardio and stretching in also. So how do you do it? Follow along boys and girls. And non-binary folx.

Her: Lie on your back and bend your legs back over your head almost like you’re trying to do a backflip. Grab ahold of his hips above you to keep yourself stable while he penetrates you from above. Ok I love how unrealistic her tits are in that picture. I got big ole biddies and if I get into that position, the sheer weight of them resting on my neck is enough to asphyxiate me.

Him: Squat down on top of your girl with your hands on the ground or surface in front of you as you bend forward. Penetrate her from the top and start gently to avoid any awkward angles. And if you nail the overpass sex position, she’ll be so happy to know you. This position feels… farty… to me.

Why It Rocks: If you can do the overpass sex position you can do almost anything! It’s nearly impossible, so don’t be afraid to try it out.

6.     Helicopter Sex Position

Go buck wild with the helicopter sex position. “Get to the chopper” Please only ever have sex with me while doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger “get to the chopper” impression takes on a whole new meaning with the helicopter sex move. You probably haven’t heard of this move before, let alone used it in your sex life. So, if you haven’t, then you have to try it out. Here’s what you need to know to nail on your first go.

Her: Lie on her stomach and grab ahold of your partner’s feet as he goes to town on you like a helicopter landing on a launch pad.

Him: Lie on top of her in the opposite direction. Grab ahold of her feet and kiss and lick her feet. Not mad at it. Enter her from the top by laying the opposite way. Arch your back slightly and enter her from behind.

Why It Rocks: The helicopter style sex position is one hell of a way to get it on. It’s unique, sexy, and totally hot. You’ll love the way it makes you both feel. Confusion at an all time high. When I first saw this one I thought he had to do push ups and I am going to stick with that image.

7.     Reverse Missionary Sex Position

The reverse missionary the corruptor sex position is one of those creative sex positions that challenges both parties to think outside the box its in a box?. So what is reverse missionary sex? Yeh what is it?  Let’s look at it below:  yes, lets.

Him: You’re going to have to dig deep for this one, as you get on your stomach, lifting yourself up with your hands. You have to get on your woman after she’s already laid down, facing away from her. With the right contortion, feeling the entry of her pussy with your cock.

Her: This one is easier for you. Lay down completely with your legs together as you bend them at the knee. Be patient as your man positions himself on top of you. Help him find your vaginal entry and get ready for very interesting sex. Interesting indeed. I take back all of my previous statements about not telling me about your sex life. If you have done this one, I want to know.

Why It Rocks: The reverse missionary position is a totally new take on a time old sex position classic. Definitely exercise patience in this one, because it will take some time to get it right. As long as all I have to do is lay there.

8.     Bumper Cars Sex Position

Beep Beep! Toot toot. Crash into each other with some super sweaty, sexy, and hot sex. The bumper cars sex position is hands down one of the most interesting positions you and your partner can get into. Those bumper cars at the local fair have nothing on this sex position. Try it out for a crazy sex position to try and add to your go-to moves. Love this last sentence.

Her: Lie on your stomach with your legs spread out behind you. Perch yourself on your forearms like you’re a sphinx. Back up to your man as he positions himself behind you.

Him: Mirror your partner’s moves. Lie on your stomach and spread your legs and then back up with your head looking the opposite direction. Put your legs over the back of your partner’s legs. Grind it out until you both real in pleasure. Reel*

Why It Rocks: It’s super unique and it is sure to get you both closer to that special point. Again it’s just the dick being bent back that confuses me.

9.     Sex Swing Sex Position

The sex swing sex position is an easy-to-achieve state of bliss that requires nothing but a little balance from the woman. Lay down, close your eyes, and allow yourself to drift off in pure bliss:

Him: You get to just lay there, completely flat, with your feet out in front of you. Get ready to stabilize your woman as she sits down on top of you, facing away, riding your dick dirty until you scream. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSSSS

Her: After your man lays down, to get the sex swing position just right, step down on either side of him, facing away, and ease yourself onto his dick. Once there, place one foot down between his legs, and the other on the bed. Get your stability before you start thumping. THUMPING

Why It Rocks: This is a user-friendly reverse style sex position that is a great introductory into the world of fucking while sitting. Take our word for it! This does not seem “easy to achieve” and I feel like you’d need to be co-ordinated and strong to be able to do any “thumping” in that position. oh lordt.

Wowee. I hope you enjoyed that. I certainly didn’t. Just kidding… it was fine.