I’m currently in a dry spell with ..myself?

This morning I realized how long it’s been since I’ve masturbated, adding that to the fact I haven’t had sex in almost six months, I am shook.

“Dry spells”, “bed death”, “sex slump”, I don’t really like the terms, or that it even needs to be named because the thing is, dry spells are normal and natural. It is the ebb and flow of our sexuality and there is no set standard for a healthy sex drive. BUT I know they still exist and I have for sure been emotionally bogged down by a sex slump.  So, here are my tips and tricks for dealing with dry spells.

First point I already stated, It is natural, but I also think it is important to reflect and see if there is a particular cause. Stress, grief, depression, so many things can have an effect on your sex life. You need to acknowledge the issue, if you’re struggling with your mental health you should probably go to see a therapist first and talk to them cos I ain’t a psychologist honey. I spend most of the time I am supposed to be writing, searching for gifs to put in the article…

If you suspect your sex drive is low because of anti-depressants, trust me, you’re not alone. Talk to your GP or get a referral to speak to a psychiatrist.

If you’re in a relationship, acknowledgment plays a huge role. Communication is probably the most important thing in any relationship and if you’re not being honest with each other as to why you haven’t been intimate in a while, that can take a big emotional toll on you both. Media and gender and social norms have graciously gifted us with self-consciousness so if you or your partner aren’t open with feelings, of course the other is going to start thinking things like “what’s wrong with me?” “am I less desirable?” “do they not love me anymore?” etc. Even if the reason behind your sex slump has nothing to do with them you don’t want them to have feelings of doubt and rejection, they are not nice things, so just talk to them! K?

If you’re reading this because your partner hasn’t wanted to engage in sexual activities with you, talk to them. Don’t try to force intimacy, don’t go out buying lingerie, toys to “spice things up”, that can just lead to them feeling pressure, guilt and ultimately could make the dry spell worse. Talk to them.

You’ve reflected, acknowledged and talked to your partner about the current sex slump – now what?

Sacred Space. Create a space that is peaceful and calming. For me this is my bedroom and it’s hard for me to meditate, masturbate, or just feel at ease when it’s messy. And it is usually messy, so I have made it my weekend routine to tidy and cleanse my room. It is much easier to feel relaxed and ultimately “Get in the mood” when there isn’t shit everywhere. Dust, vacuum, change your sheets, cleanse your rose quartz, light some candles, this is your sacred space.

Reconnect with yourself. Have a relaxing bath or shower, light some candles, get out the massage oil and touch your body and remind yourself of what you like. Appreciate the magic that is your skin sack! This doesn’t necessarily mean masturbating either, just the exercise of touching your body and focusing on your breath will ground and relax you.

Reconnect with your partner. Do all of the above and communicate with your significant other. Again, it doesn’t have to end in sex, a nice sensual massage or a make out session is a great way for you to reconnect. Or if you you’re not quite there yet, doing a physical activity like walking or hiking is great. Release some endorphins, get some fresh air and get some uninterrupted time to talk and just hang out.

Watch porn together. Watching porn with my partner is one of my favourite things to do… that and mutual masturbation… so add them together and I am a puddle. Take turns picking videos from your favourite categories (this also gives you and your partner an insight to each others turn ons!). Watching porn together creates a shared sexual experience and can open up communication as well. Porn not your thing? Try some erotic literature.. read it on the train on the way to work, find a story you love and then read it to your partner.

If the issue is time or kids, get a babysitter, make time. Sex is important, whether you are having it or not it’s ok but if you’re in a partnership, you need to make time to discuss what is happening. So for me right now, I have realized I haven’t taken the time to appreciate myself. I have cleaned my room and I bought some candles yesterday... you can bet your ass tonight I am giving myself some love.