How To: Explore Your Fantasies As A Single Person
Img source Pixabay / Sabrina B
I’m currently writing informational pamphlets in collaboration with Love in Leather (an incredible family of women run company) and was asked to include the topic of “how to introduce a fantasy to your partner” and it got me thinking… What about single people?
About a year ago I had a really shitty experience while trying to explore my self and my sexuality. It took a couple of therapy sessions to really nut it out but I’ve not been the same since. My therapist said “You’re allowed to do these things, just be safe and smart about it”.
The thing is, I am always safe (there were just a bunch of other things I ignored, like my own boundaries but the post on that is coming soon). I have a silent buddy system. My buddy is my cousin and if I’m going on a date (regardless of where I have met the person) I give her the name and number (and if from tinder, show her a picture), the address of where I am meeting them and any other details that might be important (i.e. role playing or fantasies - just incase something goes wrong). When I arrive, I text her to tell her I have arrived, If I’m going to a house (no shame in a booty call), I send her a picture of the house, once I get inside or meet the person I am meeting I text her to let her know I am with them and if I feel ok. I will also usually give her a check in time, say 9pm… just to update and let her know I am still fine. I’ll message her again when I’m leaving and when I get home. I am torn between thinking we’re paranoid because we watch too much true crime or thinking we’re smart because the shows we watch are TRUE crime.
At the same time I don’t care if I sound paranoid. If you think I am being extra then you’re not paying attention.
So exploring your fantasies when you don’t have a certain someone to do it with, it can be tricky, but I think the best thing to remember is safe, sane, sober, consensual. SSSC is a fundamental rule in the BDSM and fetish community and it really is a smart thing to keep in mind when you are looking to explore your sexuality.
Do you feel safe? Are you being smart? Are you or the person you’re meeting under the influence of intoxicants or inhibitors? Have you had a discussion and negotiated what acts you will be doing together/you want to try?
Now… lets get kinky!
Figure out exactly what you want, what type of porn are you watching? What would you need to make your fantasy work? Is it possible? What are your boundaries?
Try to think about your fantasies realistically and manage your expectations. I know that’s a bummer but there is a reason why its called a fantasy, like, I’m sorry but if you want a gang bang, they probably aren’t all going to look like RuPauls Pit Crew.
Similarly, nothing is going to be perfect the first time and kink is no different. It can be awkward trying something for the first time... I remember the first time I tried dirty talk, it was awkward as fuck but that was also because me and my boyfriend at the time didn’t have open and honest conversations with each other. Trying something small like dirty talk felt like it had to be done “properly” and it felt serious and un-natural.
Which brings me to my next point… finding the people or person who will want to participate in your fantasy. For a something like a threesome, I think using an app like tinder is ok, but I would recommend avoiding places like this if you want to try kink or a more serious fetish.
Join the community! This is the biggest tip I can give, go and join Fetlife. It is an online community kinda like facebook but its fetish and kink centered. You don’t have to use your real name or a picture of your face, but it’s a great place to talk to people with similar interests. I have a group of friends from Fetlife and I fucking love them. It’s very freeing to have a group of friends that you can talk to openly about sex and there be no judgement.
Go to a munch! A munch is a social non-kink gathering of kink-minded people, usually in a café or bar. It is a safe space to meet people without any pressure.
If you find someone you like, online or IRL, if they are in the kink community, you will have a “vanilla meeting” first, like a date. The community on Fetlife are 99% incredible but you still need to be smart, if you’re talking to someone and they want to get down on the first meeting, please consider that a red flag.
This might sound like a lot of effort but I can tell you that if you want to chase your kinky dreams and have them fulfilled, Fetlife is the best place to start. Plus you can find me on there! Say hey!
I am going to leave it there for now and maybe one day I will write a more a post about my little dumpster fire of an experience and the dumpster fire phoenix that rose from the ashes.
Which, if if you can’t be bothered with any of what you’ve just read please remember this - it is your right to say no. You have no obligations, you don’t owe anyone anything. If you don’t feel ok, do what I didn’t do, trust your gut and leave.
Always play within set limits, respect safe words and prioritise the physical, emotional and mental needs and well-being of those involved.
