Aftercare 101
I love writing about BDSM & kink but every time I do, it becomes the hardest piece to date. BDSM and kink is so personal and so nuanced, every sentence I type, I feel like I need to make a disclaimer. So for the BDSM & kink aficionados, I know and appreciate that your experience may be different, but this is a “general advice is right” type of article to introduce aftercare to “vanillas”. If you would like to contribute your thoughts please contact me, I would love to hear from you. For the “vanillas”, BDSM and kink relationships may not follow the exact formula below but are always based, first and foremostly, on communication and trust.
Quotes are from members of my beloved kink family.
Aftercare: The actions required after an activity or procedure to ensure a healthy &/or optimal outcome. As a past-life-nurse and current-life-beautician, I am an aftercare queen. Have you had a beauty treatment? I know how to ensure you get the most out of your treatment. Got a new tattoo? I know how to help it heal and keep it bright. Had surgery? I… recommend you ask your surgeon but then tell me what they said, and I will probably respond “mm hmm, yep, I would have said the same thing…”
If you have had any of the previously mentioned procedures, you most likely know what aftercare is, HOWEVER, you may not be familiar with how it applies in the world of BDSM. And that’s, obviously, where I am going to step in and tell you all about it, why it’s important, why I love it and why everyone should practice it.
Before you read any further, you may want to check out my post BDSM & Kink Glossary, to get a general idea of the BDSM and kink world and the most common terms and phrases that I will definitely be using throughout this post.
Arrrright, all caught up? Let’s do it.
What is it?
In the context of BDSM and kink, aftercare is the period of time after a scene or play session that those involved dedicate to each other, to give each other emotional and physical support, all the while coming down from the endorphin highs of activities. If you are thinking “oh, it’s just cuddles after sex”, you are 98% wrong.
What does it entail?
The 2% of correct that you are, is, yeh, cuddles are usually involved BUT it is so much more than that. 98% more in fact. Throughout the following keep in mind that aftercare isn’t about being sexy, or turning each other on, it is about a safe come down and support, and there are both physical and verbal aspects involved to make aftercare effective.
A few examples of some physical forms of aftercare are;
- Hugging and cuddling,
- Showering together,
- Hair brushing (literally, having my hair played with is the, THE most delicious sensation in the world. Sexual or not, fondle my scalp pls),
- Drinking tea or water together,
- Massaging (did I say you could stop tickling my back?) or tending to any parts of the body effected by play (more on this below).
An equally important aspect of aftercare is the verbal aspect. Communication is fundamental to all things, ALL things. And within BDSM and kink it is no different. Play partners will have communicated throughout the processes of their play or scene, and during aftercare it is no different. How was it? What did you enjoy? What did you not enjoy? Were you close to any limits? How do you feel? What would you want done differently?
On the other hand of communication, reassurance. You did so well. When I said or did this, it was in the roles we were playing. Your fantasies are valid. You are wonderful. I respect you. I love you. Thank you for sharing in this experience with me.
What type of aftercare is right for me?
There is no set right or wrong way of practicing aftercare but here are some considerations. Think about your love languages, do you feel most loved when you receive words of affirmation? Or when you are being physically touched? You may find that reassuring words mean more to you than hugs after play. Did you engage in impact play? As previously mentioned, aftercare is the time to tend to any parts of the body that have been affected by play. Nothing soothes a freshly spanked butt like a Dom massaging it with a relieving gel. Restraints? Massaging of the wrists, ankles – or wherever the restraints were tied.
So just as everything else, aftercare is unique, unique to you, to your play partner, to the activities you participated in. Be open with your partner about what you need to feel supported and vice versa. And just as the activities determining the type of aftercare given might change, keep in mind that as humans, our needs may change as well. Lines of communication should always be kept open and free of judgement so aftercare can be adjusted accordingly.
Why is it so important?
I mean.. I feel like I kind of covered that ?
- Aftercare is important to help participants avoid or to work through subdrop / drop
- It validates the participants, lets them know that their needs, wants and desires are normal (&/or alleviating any guilt they may have from a lifetime of the torment by the patriarchy.)
- It strengthens bonds of trust and intimacy
- It is good for your mental health… *taken from a study by Dj Jordan at the University Of Because I Assume So.
(*I am not a doctor, there is no ‘University of Because I Assume So’ and there was no study… just again to reiterate… I am not a doctor… or a DJ, I just felt the letters DJ are less likely to get me sued)
Why should everyone practice aftercare?
Because everyone needs to feel safe, validated and loved. If you’re reading this, having a disconnect like.. ‘well, “scenes”, “impact”, “subdrop”… those things don’t apply to my sex life…’, go back and reread this whole thing but swap out the words that perhaps don’t apply to you with words that match your experiences, “energy exchange”, “sex”, “love making”, “fucking”, “whoopie”.
Even though you didn’t go back and read the entire article changing out words, I hope you can appreciate my point. If you did reread… wow... umm… ok... well, can you see how aftercare can apply to you? and even improve your relationship, with yourself, your sexuality &/or your partner? Amazing.
If you don’t want to take any of that on board, well, you still gave me the click in my analytics so… thanks pal.
In conclusion, if you wanna be my lover, you gotta play with my hair afterwards.
